How?
by NJKJo
Summary: Cody doesn't know how to deal with this, much less let Zack know. First fanfic, so please R
1. Chapter 1

I walked into the Tipton not paying attention to anything. I bumped into the table that held the vase that Mr. Mosby loves. It would have broken had he not have caught it.

"Cody! Will you watch where you're going! How many…" he started yelling at me until he noticed the look on my face. "Cody, what's wrong?"

"Where's Zack, I want Zack," was all I said in response though. That's all I could say.

"He's in the suite. Him and Maddie have actually been looking for you."

"Maddie?"

"She's watching you while your mom performs."

"Oh," was all I said as I walked to the elevator ignoring Mr. Mosby calling my name.

I rode the elevator up to the 23rd floor. I repeated my sentence as soon as I walk in the door, "Where's Zack, I want Zack."

"He's in yall's room. What's wrong Cody?" Maddie asked walking over and putting a hand on my shoulder.

I was getting tired of people asking me what was wrong. It didn't matter what was wrong. All I wanted was Zack. Zack would make it better, he always did. He would take away the pain from…

I jerked away from Maddie's touch as soon as she put her hand on me yelling, "Don't touch me! Please, just don't touch me!"

"Cody…"

I jerked my head and saw Zack standing in the doorway to our room. He had worry and concern etched on his face. I ran to him with tears streaming down my face and hugged him tightly. I felt him put his arms around me, rubbing my back a little.

"Hey, Codes…buddy what's wrong?" he asked. I just shook my head against his chest and cried harder. "Alright, come on. Let's go in the room, okay?"

I nodded slightly pulling away and walking into the room. I heard him talking to Maddie in a hushed tone before he came in closing the door behind him. He came over and sat on the bed beside me giving me a questioning look.

"Please don't make me tell you, please." I begged knowing that look. He used it every time he knew I was hiding something and wanted to know what it was.

"Nope, now come on. Tell me what that was all about. Why did you yell at Maddie not to touch you?"

I looked down at my hands playing with the hem of my shirt. I wanted to tell Zack so bad what had happened, but how do you says something like that to someone? Much less your twin?

How did you tell your brother, your twin that you had been raped?


	2. Chapter 2

I stayed silent for a couple of minutes. I didn't know how to tell Zack that I had been raped. I wanted to tell someone so badly, but I was ashamed. What if he didn't love me anymore after he found out? What if he disowned me as a brother?

He kept staring at me with this concerned look on his face. He was being so patient and silent that I could stand the silence anymore. I had to say something or I would go crazy!

"Can't I just tell you about it later? I mean I will tell you, but right now, I just need some time Zack."

"Cody, you yelled at Maddie not to touch you, something is obviously wrong. I want to help you, but I can't if you won't tell me."

"And I will, I just need some time right now, please Zack, I'm begging you. Just give me some time with this." I asked using the face on him. I only used the puppy dog face on him when I really wanted something because I knew he would give into that face every single time I used it. I could make him rob a bank if I wanted to, but I wouldn't, I respected and loved him to much to do something like that.

As expected he gave in, "Alright, but please tell me soon Codester. Okay?"

I nodded as I got up and started getting ready for bed. I knew it was only eight o'clock, but I didn't want to do anything but go to sleep and wake up hoping that all this was just a cruel nightmare, but I knew it wasn't. I knew this was really happening.

_I was walking down the ally way when I was grabbed by hands and shoved to the ground. I felt them taking off my clothes, slinging them away. I felt their hands all over me. then I heard the voice, the raspy, feared voice. "You're gonna like this kid."_

I woke up breathing heavily. I looked over to make sure Zack was still asleep. I felt my pillow and the top part of my sheets drenched in sweat. I slowly got out of my bed and made my way carefully over to Zack's bed, stepping over everything on the floor. I touched his shoulder, shaking him a little, whispering, "Zack, wake up please."

He slowly opened his eyes looking around until resting his eyes on me. "What's worng buddy?" he asked sleepily.

"Can I sleep in your bed with you?" I asked in a small voice. I saw him scoot over before I climbed in. I griped his t-shirt burying my face into it.

"Nightmare?" he asked simply putting his arms around me, pulling me closer. I nodded against his chest, gripping his shirt tighter. "Wanna talk about it?" I just shook my head fast against him again. "Alright, you don't have to tell me. Just get some rest Codes."

I let out a sob before muffling a 'okay.' I heard Zack laugh softly a little, kissing the top of my hair before pulling me closer and resting his head on top of mine. I fell asleep that time easily and without a single nightmare.


	3. Chapter 3

I woke up the next morning with Zack's arm still around me. I slid out carefully to not wake him up and went to the bathroom.

I starred at myself in the mirror. I couldn't believe that just yesterday I had gotten rapped. I had no clue who the people were. I never saw their faces. They wore ski masks' over their faces; I just remembered the four hands going all over my body.

I rushed to the toilet throwing up all I ate yesterday. I threw up everything in my stomach. I felt like I was throwing up my intestines before I fell to the cold floor too sore to move.

I laid like that for abut an hour, until I heard mom rummaging around in the kitchen. I stood up weakly feeling like I was walking on Jell-O and slowly made my way back to the room.

When I closed the door quietly behind me and looked over I saw Zack sitting up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. He looked at me before saying "Dude, don't take this personal, but you look like crap."

"Man I feel like crap," I whispered raspy getting into my bed, curling up into my cover.

I felt him put a hand on my shoulder as he asked, "Are you sure you don't want to tell me what happened? I can help."

"I'm not sure if you can help Zack," I mumbled.

"Why don't you let me try? Come on Codes, just tell me what happened."

"You have no idea how bad I want to tell you Zack, I just can't. At least not right now, right now I need time. I will tell you, I promise, I just need time right now though. Okay?" I asked.

"Sure buddy. I'll be here when you need me 'kay?" I nodded as I burrowed deeper into the cover hoping to disappear into think air.

About an hour later both Zack and I were walking to school since Zack decided to be slow and made us miss the bus. As we got closer to the ally were it happened I slowly got on the other side of Zack. I didn't want to make it obvious that I was afraid of that ally.

I looked down it and gasped, stopping in my tracks. The two guys were there just sitting there. I knew it was them. I could tell by the eyes, the hard cold brown eyes that were burned permanently into my brain.

Now I remembered those eyes. When they were raping me I kept seeing those familiar eyes, I just couldn't remember until now. They were the kids that use to beat me up in middle school. They must have dropped out from school, but I still remembered all that crap they put me through then. They would always take my money to by things to throw on me or half the time for smokes. I saw the taller one give me a grin and wave before Zack pulled me away.

"Dude, what's your problem, we're going to be late. And I really don't want to get another detention with that lady that smells like boiled cabbage."

I mumbled a 'nothing' before following him to school.

I didn't pay attention to anything in class. I daydreamed the whole day away. I knew I would pay dearly for that, but at that point I really didn't care. I just really wanted to get away from everyone constantly bumping into me in the hallways. I couldn't stand people touching me.

When I got home things didn't get any better either. I did me homework which I was surprised I remembered and went to bed even though it was only like 7 o'clock.

That was pretty much how the whole week went. I would get up go to school, daydream, homework, and sleep. I never did anything else, just those things.

I started avoiding that ally that those two boys were always at. Even if I missed the bus I would take the long way just to avoid making eye contact or seeing them.

One evening when I got home though, I didn't do my homework; I went straight into the bathroom. I was tired of bottling it all up. I knew I could, should tell Zack, I just wasn't ready yet.

I rummaged through the drawers until I found one of mom's disposable razors and cut out one of the blades with a pair of scissors.

I had cut three gashes along my arm, watching the blood drip down my arm and was about to make another one when I heard the door open.

I knew I had forgotten something! How could be so stupid to forget to lock the door! I was doomed!

"Cody! What are you doing!?" I looked up and saw fear in their eyes.


	4. Chapter 4

"Cody! What are you doing?!"

I looked up in to Zack's eyes. They were full of worry as he ran across the bathroom to me snatching the blade from my hands.

"So you won't talk to me, but you'll cut!" he said with a hint of hurt in his voice.

"It's not like that-" I said trailing off at the end.

"Then what is it like? Tell me Cody."

"It just… helps."

"Oh, so I can do it too because it helps, right? Is that what you're saying?"

"No."

"Then what? You know maybe I should try it. Try to see what you see in it."

I watched as he cut two cuts into his arm and was about to make another cut when I yelled out "Stop! Okay I get it! I shouldn't do it!"

"You're right you shouldn't do it. Cody if it's this bad, why don't you just talk to me about it. If not me, then at least someone else! Don't sink down to hurting yourself to make it better." He said breaking the blade in half throwing it across the room before grabbing the first-aid kit.

I watched him slowly patch up mine and his cuts, wrapping gauze around our arms. After he cleaned up the mess he turned to me and said, "Alright, spill."

"What?"

"Tell me what happened, now!"

"You're not giving me a choice now?"

"You're dang right I'm not! Cody, I just came in on you cutting yourself. Something is obviously wrong and I don't won't to wait for you to be about to kill yourself or already dead before I find out what happened. Now you're telling me what happened. Neither one of us is leaving this bathroom until you tell me what's wrong. And I can tell when you're lying Cody, you're an open book to me when you're lying, so don't even think of doing that. And your 'puppy-dog face' ain't gonna work this time either! So come out with it!"

I looked him slowly in the eyes. I knew what I was about to tell him would make him hate me forever. To disown me as a brother. I knew Zack would think I was being weak for not being able to stop them form doing it. Especially that I was crying over it and that I had to wind up sleeping in his bed every night for the past week because of the nightmares.

If it was Zack, he wouldn't be making a big deal of this as I am. He would suck it up and deal with it.

I let out a deep breath before saying "I was raped," as I looked back at the ground. I couldn't look him in the eyes when he was about to yell as me for being weak.

I heard the door open and I looked up to see Zack walking out the door, slamming it behind him. This was exactly why I didn't want to tell anyone.

I let a tear fall slowly down my cheek leaving a stained trail of watery salt behind it.


	5. Chapter 5

I knew I never should have told Zack what happened. Him walking out the door proved it. I was thinking about just cutting my wrist and ending it all there. Now that Zack knew and hated me for it, I knew I wouldn't be able to make through another week, much less another day.

I was seriously thinking about it when Zack came back in with jeans on in place of the sweatpants he was wearing earlier.

"Where did this happen? Are they still there? Do you know what they look like?" he asked.

I just stood there shocked. Why was he asking me all these questions? What did he care? He hated me. "I…what?" I asked confused.

"Do you know who did it and we're they're at now?" he repeated.

I ran up to him and hugged him tightly. Did this mean he did care? He pulled me tighter to him. "Does this mean you don't hate me or want to disown me?" I asked into his shirt.

"What?" he asked shocked. He pulled me back and looked me in the eyes and finished, "Where in the world did you get that idea?"

"When you walked out and slammed the door. So does that mean you don't?" I asked hopefully.

"Oh," he said like he finally understood as he pulled me back into a tight hug, "Of course I don't hate you Codes. I'm sorry if it made it look like that, I was just angry."

"At me?" I asked weakly.

"No! At whoever did this to you. That's the whole reason I went and got dressed. I want to find that freaking jerk that did this to you and hurt them for hurting you Cody. I don't like people getting away with hurting my baby brother."

"So you don't think I was just being weak?"

"What?" he asked pulling back and grabbing my face with his hands, "God, no! Cody you're not weak for having this done to you. Nor was this your fault, understand?" I nodded as he said 'good' and kissed my forehead before pulling me back into another hug.

After about five minutes Zack pulled away and asked me again if I knew who did it. I nodded and replied. "You remember those guys that use to pick on me in middle school?"

"Those two that were suppose to be in like eleventh grade but we're only in eighth? Yeah I remember him. Those we're the ones?" he asked with a snarl.

I nodded as he paced the bathroom. "We have to tell mom about this, Cody."

"No! Please no Zack, please. It took me forever to be able to tell you. I wouldn't be able to tell mom."

He starred at me for a few minutes before we heard the front door open signaling that mom was back from her performance. It was already eight? "Zack please…" I begged giving him the puppy-dog face.

"Fine, but we're talking about this later," he said walking out of the bathroom. I stayed in there for a few seconds. I was glad Zack made me tell him. It felt like a brick was lifted of my chest.

I let out a deep breath, wiping my face of the tearstains and following Zack out into the living room for dinner.


	6. Chapter 6

That night as we were getting ready for bed Zack brought it up again. "Cody, if your not gonna tell mom. Then at least tell me where these people are"

"Why?"

"Because if you won't let the police deal with it, I'm gonna deal with it myself. I'm not letting those jerks get away with what they did to you. Not as long as I'm your big brother."

"Zack, can't you just let it go? I mean I'm okay." I begged. I didn't want to make a big deal out of this. I just wanted to forget the whole thing.

"You're okay?! Right! Cody, if you were okay you wouldn't wake up every night to sleep in my bed after a nightmare about it. If you were okay you wouldn't freak out when everybody but me touched you. If you were okay I wouldn't have walked in on you cutting!"

"Well, I'm sorry! I'll just leave you alone then," I cried.

"Cody, that's not what I mean. I'm not complaining. I don't mind you sleeping in my bed and I'm glad I walked in on you cutting or you'd probably be dead. What I mean is that I want to get these guys back for what they did to you, for what they made you go through. I'm the big brother, I'm suppose to protect you. And if you don't want the police involved then I'm going to protect you myself by making sure those guys never bother you again."

"Zack, I just don't want to make a big deal about this…" I said trailing off at the end.

"Either me or mom will deal with this Codes. Your choice."

"Fine, but don't do anything until tomorrow or something, okay?"

"Sure buddy, now let's get some sleep," he said climbing into his own bed.

I stood there standing at the end of my bed before hesitantly calling out to Zack. "Yeah?" he responded.

"Can I go ahead and get in your bed?"

"Alright, come on," he said lifting up a side of the cover as he scooted over. I climbed in beside him as he pulled me to him. "Cody, I just want you to know that I'm really sorry what happened to you. I'm not going to stop until I get those guys back. And if I could take away your pain and have had it done to me instead of you, I would."

"I know Zack. That's why I love you so much, because I know you love me that much." I responded.

"You betcha I do," he said as he hugged me tightly. He pulled away and kissed my forehead before saying, "Good night Codeman."

We had been in bed for about ten minutes before I spoke up again, "Zack?" I asked hesitantly.

"Yeah Cody?"

"Um…I was just wondering, why are you doing all this for me? I appreciate it and all, but why? I mean there are a lot of siblings that wouldn't do Jack for their brother or sister if it happened to them. So why are you doing it for me? Why aren't you disowning me or something?"

"Because you're my brother and I love you. That's why I'm going to hunt down those perverts and kick their butts! I'm always going to do anything for you and anything to protect you because you're my little brother and it's my job to protect you. And like I said, I'd never, ever disown you, no matter what happens."

"Thanks Zack, I love you. Good night."

"Your welcome little brother. I love you too, remember that. Now get some sleep."

I woke up that morning to Zack shaking me awake.

"What?" I asked.

"Shhhh, be quiet. We don't want to wake mom up. Get up and put some clothes on."

"Mhhhhhh," I mumbled into the pillow.

"I don't speak pillow," Zack said standing above me.

"I said what time is it." I said sitting up rubbing my eyes.

"Oh, about six, now hurry up!" he said throwing some clothes at me.

I got up and pulled off my shirt and started to put the other one on. "In the morning! Why in the world are we up this early in morning especially on a Sunday, and where are we going anyway?"

"Well you're going to show me where those guys are, and then you're coming back here."

I looked up from buttoning my pants and gave him this weird look before saying, "Why? Zack, what are you going to do? Whatever you are doing, you're not doing it alone. I'm coming with you and staying."

"I'm going to teach those guys what happens when they mess with my baby brother. And you're not staying with me; you're showing me where it's at then leaving."

"Zack….."

"Cody, I'm doing this, you're not going to stop me. I'm getting revenge."

"Fine, I'm coming with you and staying. I'm not leaving you there."

"Fine, but you're not getting involved, I'm dealing with this. Now come one and keep quiet."


	7. Chapter 7

As we got closer to the alley I got more nervous. I actually was shaking at one point because Zack turned to me and said, "Calm down buddy, I'll be here to protect you. And you can still go home after you show me. I can handle this on my own."

"No, I'm coming. You can't handle this on your own, I'm helping." I said.

"You're not getting involved unless you have to Cody. If I have it under control, don't get involved."

"Zack…"

"I have to Cody. I have to do this, I _need _to do this, okay?"

I looked into his eyes. He had a look of fire burning in them. He looked like he was ready to kill. It kind of scared me. "Alright."

When we were about five feet from the alley, I stopped. Zack stopped and looked back at me. "What is this the alley?"

"Yeah, they're always in there."

"It'll be alright Codes, but you can still leave whenever you want."

"No, let's just get this over with," I said walking up to the wall and waited for Zack. He got up beside me and squeezed my shoulder before walking in with me at his side.

When we walked about halfway in, the two guys looked up at us and the black-haired one smirked, "Well, look who it is, and he's brought a little friend with him." he said elbowing his friend in the side.

Zack stepped in front of me saying. "Leave him alone, you're dealing with me."

"Aw, look, Chris, the little boy came to get his revenge," the black-haired boy said again. It was obvious that he was the leader out of the two.

"You're dang right I am. You hurt my little brother, I hurt you, you creep," Zack said.

"I am anything, but a creep!" the guy yelled throwing his cigarette to the ground and stepping up to Zack.

"What a pervert?" Zack cockily said.

The guy looked back at his friend and Zack took his chance and punched the guy in the jaw as soon as he looked back.

The Chris guy started coming toward me. I looked over at Zack who was clearly winning, but was still struggling a little. I looked back at Chris as he punched me in the stomach. I fell to the ground, but kicked him in the shin as I went. He got back up and started kicking me in the back, legs, and once in the head.

Suddenly they just stopped though and about two or three minutes later I felt someone but a hand on my forehead, pushing my hair back. I opened my eyes and looked into Zack's concerned face. "You okay?" he asked.

I nodded weakly sitting up slowly, but stopped once I felt the pain surge through my body. I gasped falling back down to the ground. I felt arms catch me and a voice yell my name before I blacked out.


	8. Chapter 8

I pealed my eyes opened and looked around the hospital room until my eyes stopped on Zack. "Hey, buddy, how you feeling?" he asked.

"What happened?" I rasped out.

"Those freaking perverted jerks gave you a concussion."

"Mom?" I asked fearfully.

"Doesn't know a thing until you want her to. I told her we got into a fight with some bullies from school. She's getting coffee right now." He said sitting back in his chair.

"Thanks Zack, for everything," I said.

"That's what big brothers are for Codester."

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After a couple of days I was able to go back home. Mom made a big fuss about me staying in bed, which I was glad for. That meant I didn't have to lie to her more about why I was always in my room.

I was actually developing a fear of being alone outside. I wouldn't step an inch outside unless someone was with me. Mom noticed this, but I guess she just chalked it up to the supposed 'fight' Zack and I got into.

I never really did know what happened after that guy Chris came after me. Zack wouldn't tell me what happened either; he just said that I didn't need to worry about them messing with me anymore. I was glad for that, but I was still, I wouldn't say scared, more like anxious of what he did to those guys.

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I slammed the bedroom door shut as I let out a frustrated sigh. I got caught in yet another lie. I tried telling mom I was getting hardly any sleep because of school, but of course she didn't believe me. I hated being a lousy liar.

Mom grounded me to my room until I could 'come up with a better excuse.' She said it wasn't like me to be the liar, that she knew something was up, she just didn't know what yet. I'm actually surprised she hasn't guessed by now how I nearly jump out of my skin when everyone, but Zack comes within two feet of me.

"Cody, why don't you just tell mom? It'll be easier; I mean you've kept this from her for like two-three weeks now. Don't you think it's time to let her know?" Zack said as he sat down on the bed next to me.

"I know, I know. I just…. I can't. I mean it took me a week just to tell you and I tell you basically everything."

"That's because I can read you like a book, it's the perks of being a twin." He said with a smile.

"Zack, I just can't, I'm too ashamed. I just feel to dirty…" I said trailing off.

"No, don't feel like that Cody. It wasn't your fault man. Your were a victim, its not like you had a choice, so why should you be ashamed for something you had no control over?"

"Because I'm weak, you could have stopped them if it happened to you, but I'm too weak and too much of a crybaby to stop anything." I said crying.

"No, hey…no, that's not true Cody. It never will be," he said pulling me into a hug. "Promise me you'll quit blaming yourself," he said pulling back and taking my face into his hands.

I just let tears stream down my face as I got up and walked out of the room and into the bathroom. Shutting out Zack, shutting out the one person that was trying to help me, shutting out the world.


	9. Chapter 9

After I slammed the bathroom door shut I heard Zack come and knock trying to get in. I think he stayed there for about ten minutes, trying to get in, but I never opened the door.

I think I stayed in there for about three, four hours until I finally came out. Mom was already asleep so I tip-toed into the room and gently opened the door. I made sure Zack was asleep before I went in, closing the door and climbing into bed.

_I walked down the alley quickly. I knew they were after me; I just couldn't escape them fast enough. As I was almost at the end I felt the hands grab me, yanking me back. I felt their nasty, dirty hands all over my body. Then one leaned in close to my ear and whispered, 'You're gonna like this kid,' as he yanked my clothes off._

I jerked up in the bed breathing heavily. I looked over at Zack, but he was still asleep. Half of me was disappointed, but the other half was glad. I didn't want to bother him with my stupid nightmares anymore because deep down I knew that he truly didn't care. He just thought he had to care because he was my brother.

I also didn't want to wake him up because even though he didn't care about me, I cared about him. I saw the dark circles underneath his eyes that have been there for two weeks. I knew he was losing sleep over me waking him up every night, just because I couldn't control my stupid nightmares and to go to him like a baby.

I knew there was no chance of me getting back to bed after a nightmare without Zack helping me. So I got up and went into the bathroom locking the door behind me. I wasn't going to make the same mistake again of leaving it unlocked.

I popped out another blade from one of mom's razors. I knew that as long as I didn't make it too deep I could get away with cutting this time.

I pushed up my sleeves to my elbows. I took the blade and quickly drug it across my arm. I repeated that act four or five times before moving to my other arm. When I was satisfied with the cuts I made I wiped the blood away and pulled my sleeves back down.

I pocketed the blade and walked back into the room. I looked at the clock and it was still only five thirty in the morning. I walked over to a book on my desk and opened it to page 50 before placing the blade in there and putting the book back down. I knew no one would find it in there. Mom didn't look though my stuff; even though Zack did he would never pick up a book.

It had been about a week since that morning. I had become addicted to cutting. I cut every morning when I woke up after a nightmare which was usually around 3 in the morning.

I was losing sleep and people could tell. I had huge bags under my eyes like Zack use to have. Since I had stopped waking him up they disappeared from his face. He would occasionally ask me if I had nightmares anymore and I lied saying they stopped.

I forced myself to eat just so everyone wouldn't bug me about another thing wrong with me. Everywhere I went people were asking me if I was okay, if there was something wring at home, or stupid stuff like that. So I just stopped talking to people.

I could tell mom was worried about me, but she didn't know what so she just didn't bug me about it. Zack would corner me every now and again and try to talk to me, but I just brushed him off. I didn't need anyone anymore. I was fine on my own.

The next day as I was about to walk out of the room Zack locked the door and pushed me down on the bed. "What's your problem?" I yelled at him trying to get up.

He just pushed me back down before saying, "You are Cody! I'm worried about you. You don't sleep you barley eat, you don't even talk unless someone forces you to!"

"Well what did you think was gonna happen? That I was just gonna get over it like that? Well I'm not!" I yelled at him.

"Then get help! If you can't deal with it you get help! I've tried helping you, but you won't let me. I know you're still having nightmares, I hear you at night."

"I don't need help; I'm fine on my own!" I said getting up and about to leave.

Zack grabbed my arm and I bit my lip trying not to scream from the pain he was putting on my cuts. "Cody, please! I'm begging you, let me help you! I don't want to see you destroy yourself."

I didn't face him, I knew that if I did I would give in. so I just kept facing the door, jerking my arm from his grip and walking out the door, leaving Zack in his tears.


	10. Chapter 10

I left the hotel and walked around the block. I didn't want to go anywhere near the alley, especially since I was by myself. I walked around a couple of more times before I went back inside.

I ignored anyone that said hi to me and just went straight to the elevator. On the way up I started thinking that maybe I should let Zack in, that I should let him help me. I mean what more could I lose? He has been trying to help me anyways. Maybe he could help, but that thought went right out the window as soon as I opened the suite door.

I walked in and saw mom and Zack sitting on the couch. I knew right away that Zack had told mom what happened. As soon as I closed the door it became true as mom asked "Cody, why didn't you tell me?" with a hurt look on her face.

I immediately looked at Zack and he looked away as soon as our eyes met. I could feel the anger burning inside me. Zack had promised me he would let me tell mom when I was ready, but then he goes behind my back and tells anyway. I felt so betrayed.

I started thinking of something to say since mom was sitting there looking at me, waiting for an answer so I decided to play dumb, knowing that they could both see right through it. At least it would give me a few more seconds to come with something. "What are you talking about?" I asked trying to walk away toward mine and Zack's room.

"Cody, sit down! You know what I'm talking about. Why didn't you tell me what happened to you in that alleyway? What those guys….did to you?" mom said.

I stopped and turned as soon as she said that. "What mom? You mean getting raped?" I half yelled as I saw her flinch. "What you don't like hearing that I was raped? Well guess what, it happened! And why do you think I didn't tell you? I mean admitting it to Zack was hard enough, much less to my mom!" I saw Zack looking down at the floor, almost like he was trying to memorize it.

"Cody, come sit down, we'll talk about this." Mom said softly.

That was what made me explode. I was a ticking time-bomb and I had just hit zero. My time was up and I was exploding no matter at who it was at. The 'we'll talk about this' triggered it and I didn't really know why. "Talk about it! You want to talk about it? It's not like it happened to you so why do you want to talk about it? It's done and over with, forget it and never go back. Lock it in a closet and never let it out!" my voice was turning into a snarl, I wanted to stop, but I couldn't. Once I let it out there was no taking it back or stopping it. "But you know what, let's talk about it! What do you want to talk about? The fact that they pinned me down to the ground yanking off my clothes. Or how the hands where all over my body, while the guy whispered 'you're gonna like this kid' in my ear? Or maybe you wanna talk about how they ruined my life, of how much it hurt! Having someone invade your body with force! How do you think I feel about it mom?!" I stopped for a minute to look at their faces and they both had tears streaming down their faces. That's what got me to stop, was the tears that were streaming down mom and Zack's faces leaving them in anguish.

I finally got control over my shouting, but my emotions took back over. I fell to the floor sobbing, tears rushing down my cheeks as I whispered, "I just want it to stop, I just want to hurt to stop. I just want it to stop…" I said trailing off.

I felt arms around me I looked up to find mom and Zack beside me. I finally stopped and allowed myself to let others comfort me. I let myself go and fell into their embrace.


	11. Chapter 11

I jerked awake breathing hard. I hated those stupid nightmares. I couldn't go one night without having one, replaying that night in my mind over and over.

I had finally fallen asleep about an hour ago after I talked to mom and Zack for hours. Mom wanted to know every single thing that happened between that night and now. So finally after I convinced her to not do anything about it we all went to sleep about twelve or one in the morning.

It took a lot to convince her to not do anything though. I had to remind her that it happened almost a month ago and that Zack had taken care of it, even though I still don't know what he did to those guys. She finally agreed to just let it go, but we had to talk about it all more later on today.

I looked at the clock and saw the numbers 3:15 blinking back at me. It was funny how I always had a nightmare around that time.

I got up and was about to head to the bathroom when I heard Zack call my name. I cursed myself for not being quieter and answered, "Yeah?"

"Where are you going?" he asked sleepily sitting up. I didn't want to get him involved in my nightmares; he always ended up suffering from it by losing sleep.

"Uh, I just had another nightmare. I'm just going to get some water or something." I said opening the door.

"Close the door and come over here," he said rubbing his eyes.

I quietly closed the door and walked over toward his bed as he scooted over and lay back down. I climbed into his bed as he put his arms around me and pulled me closer to him.

"You know I had to tell mom don't you? I mean you were getting out of control, you were scaring me." he whispered.

"I know," I admitted quietly. "I just couldn't stop. I thought forcing everyone out and keep it all bottled in would help, but in the end it just made the explosion worse."

"Why try and keep us away?" he asked, but I knew what he was really asking. He was really asking why I forced him away from me.

I sighed before saying, "Because I saw what me waking you up in the middle of the night was doing to you. You looked horrible. You were barley getting any sleep; I just didn't want to keep doing that to you."

"Cody, have you looked in the mirror at all lately? You look way worse than I ever did. You look like you're about to drop dead any moment." He said tightening his grip on me.

"I'm sorry," I said closing my eyes.

"Hey, look at me," he said pulling my chin up as I opened my eyes, "You have nothing to be sorry for, not for having this happen to you, or for having to wake me up. I would rather you wake me up after you have a nightmare instead of you staying up all night, alright?"

"Okay," I said closing my eyes again.

I heard Zack sigh loudly. "Why won't you talk? I mean I'm trying everything to help you, but you keep shutting me out!" he said frustratingly getting up from the bed and pacing.

I got up also saying, "I'm sorry, it's just hard alright?"

"Hard? How is it hard Cody? I'm your twin, you tell me everything!"

"No, I don't," I whispered looking down.

"What?" he asked walking over to me.

"I said you don't" I repeated trying to walk away but Zack grabbed my arm. This time I couldn't keep the cry from coming out when he dug his fingers into my cuts. After he heard my scream of pain, Zack shoved my sleeves up and starred wide-eyed at it.

"When did you start cutting again?" he whispered.

"I never stopped! Guess that shows how much you know me!" I said ripping my arm from his grip. I didn't want to be saying this, I just couldn't stop myself. I wanted to apologize, but I couldn't stop.

Once I started I couldn't stop. It was like I was a time bomb and my time had run out and I was exploding and Zack was caught in the crossfire.

I saw his face pale as he turned his back and said, "I guess I don't."


	12. Chapter 12

"Zack..." I tried getting his attention, but after he said that he didn't know me he hasnt said a word. He's just been staring out the window for about twenty minutes.

He finally turned around and looked at me before saying, "You're right. We don't know you as well as I thought we did. Because if you know, if you knew me as much as I thought you did, you never would have had to hide this. You would have known to come straight to me, that I would help you, but you're right. I wish to god you weren't, but you are. It's okay though, I'll stay out of you're way since you think I can't help you. Just to let you know though, that when you do come to your senses, I'll still be here. All you have to is say my name and I'll be there. Alright...I guess that's all I have to say. I'm going to back to bed." he said as he climbed back onto the mattress and pulled the covers over his head.

I stood there, looking at him for a while. I wanted to say sorry, I wanted to appologize. I wanted to make this better, but my mouth wouldn't open, my tongue wouldn't form the words. So I just stood there, thinking of how this was ruining us.

It's funny how one situation can change your life forever, can change your realationships with people. I thought this was only going to affect me, but it winded up affeting everyone around me. It was funny how having one thing done to you, could change your whole world, how it could take over your life. I hated how this was taking control of my life the way it was.

I hated not being in control of my life and I wanted to do something about it. I wanted it to stop. I wanted my ife back.I was tried of having to have someone with me at all times before I would step outside. I hated it that no one could touch me besides Zack without me jumping a mile out of my skin. I was aways the sensitve twin, but this was going to far. I wanted my life back and I would stop at nothing to get it back.

---------------------------------------------------

I woke up a couple of hours later to the smell of pancakes in the kitchen. I got up and looked over at Zack's bed. He was still asleep, and I decided not to wake him since the smell of the pancakes would wake him up in a few minutes.

I walked into the main room to find mom setting the table. She turned to me as soon as she saw me and a look of pity crossed her face. I hated it been people looked at me like that, but I just brushed it off as I sat down at the table. "Good morning, Cody. Are you feeling okay today?" she asked. I could tell she was trying not to say the wrong thing to me.

"I'm fine mom," I said forcing back the urge to roll my eyes.

"Good, now go get Zack, breakfast is ready."

I got up and walked back into our room and walked over to his bed. I shook his shouder lighty as I called out his name.

"Mmmmm...yeah," he said slowly sitting up.

"Mom said to come get you up, breakfast is ready." I said as I walked out of the room and back into the main room.

--------------------------------------------------

As soon as breakfast was over I got up and walked back into the room and put some clothes on. I walked out of the suite without talking to anyone and waked out the hotel headed for that alleyway. I was going to get my life back, starting with the guys who took it from me. I was a little nervous as I neared the ally, but I pushed it back to the very back of my mind. I wasn't going let them win.

I took a deep breath as I stepped into the ally.

**Authors Note:**

**sorry for the short chaper, but im working on making them longer. i just want to say thanks to everyone who is reading and reveiwing this story. ill update as soon as i can. until then tnx for reading. **


	13. Chapter 13

I walked into a deserted an alley. There wasn't even a rat there. I knew right away that Zack had something to do with this. That this was what he meant when he said 'they won't bother you anymore.' I just hope Zack didn't do anything stupid.

Granted, he was still mad at me from last night, I still didn't want him doing anything stupid on the account of me, which he probably already did.

I walked back to the suite after I left the alley. When I walked in Mom and Zack were both sitting on the couch waiting for me to come back. I slowly walked over and sat down. Their eyes followed me the whole way, it kind of freaked me out.

Even after I had sat down they kept staring at me for about two minutes before someone actually said something.

"Cody, we want to help you, but you have to let us. " Mom said.

"Oh, yeah? Well I don't want your help! I don't need it! I'm just fine."

I wanted so much to let them help, but after Zack had reacted the way he did last night I knew I couldn't let them help. I was just going to bring them down with me. I had to help myself, I couldn't let anyone help me. This was my problem, no one else's, and I had to deal with it on my own.

After I said that I walked into the room and was about to shut the door when I heard Zack speak up, so I left it opened a little so I could hear.

"Mom, I think we need to get Cody professional help…" I heard him say.

I shut the door after I heard him say that, shutting out the rest of his words. I didn't want to hear what else that traitor had to say. I didn't want to hear Mom's response. I didn't need their help, couldn't they see that? I was doing just fine on my own.

---------------------------------

The very next day Mom told me that I was going to see a psychiatrist this afternoon.

"Why?" I practically screamed.

"Because you need help Cody," I heard Zack say from behind me.

I turned around toward him and yelled "Don't talk to me you traitor!"

"Cody…" he started to say, but I cut him off.

"No! I don't want to hear another word you have to say."

"Cody, stop it!" Mom said, "You're going this afternoon and that's final. Be ready at two."

"Fine!" I said and walked out the door.

I walked out and walked up to the candy counter and put a dollar on the counter.

"What can I get you?" Maddie asked.

"I really don't care right now, just something chocolate." I replied rudely.

"You can at least be nice about it," She replied.

"When your mom is sending you to a psychiatrist cause she thinks you need it, then you'll know why I'm acting like this!"

"Cody, just because you're dealing with something doesn't give you the right to be mean to people. Seeing the way you've been mobbing around here lately, its something big, but that still doesn't give you the right to act like this."

"Sorry!" I yelled, grabbing the candy bar and walking out of The Tipton.


	14. Chapter 14

I looked at my watch and headed back for the hotel. As I walked in I saw Mom sitting on the couch. She stood up saying, "There you are! Zack's been looking for you everywhere."

"What's it matter where I've been?"

"Because it's almost time for us to leave. Now go downstairs and find you brother."

I walked out the suite and almost ran into Zack. "Where the heck have you been? I've looked everywhere for you!"

"What's it matter? All yall want to do is shove me off to a psychiatrist."

"Cody, we're trying to help you, but you won't take it," he yelled in frustrated.

"I don't need help!" I yelled back.

"Yes you do! And you don't understand that you do need it! You need help, Cody! You know what, just…if you don't go though with this therapy and get help, then just don't talk to me anymore."

"Zack…" I said trailing off. I just couldn't understand why he was saying this to me. He was proving me right and I didn't want to be proved right. I wanted to be proved wrong. I wanted to know that he really didn't mean that, that he really did care.

"No, just go through with it or don't talk to me," he said walking around the corner.

I was about to go back into the suite until I heard Zack talking to Maddie. I was going to leave until I heard my name brought up.

"Where's Cody?" she asked.

"I really don't care right now."

"I heard what you said to him just now, Zack. And I have to say, you're full of crap!"

"What did I do? He's the one that won't get help!"

"Are you listening to yourself, to him? Did you hear the way he tried to stop you from walking away from him just now? He's begging for help! You know, you're always playing the big protector to him, but when he needs you the most you turn on him. That's messed up. Well I hope you're proud of yourself, Zack." I heard her say as she walked off.

I hurried back into the suite before Zack could discover that I was still there and had heard them talking.

"Where's Zack?" Mom asked as I closed the door and walked toward the room.

"Out there." I said as I was about to close the door.

"Well, come on. We better get going before we're late."

"Whatever," I said as I walked back out and into the living room. I stood there as I waited for Mom to grab her things before we left the suite. I stepped on the elevator and rode it down to the lobby for the millionth time that day.

------------------------------

I sat in the waiting room forever until the door opened and a tall middle-aged guy stepped out and called my name. I turned toward Mom, begging her one last time not to make me do this.

"Mom, please. Don't make me do this. I'll change, promise, just don't make me see a shrink," I begged.

Mom looked at me for a minute before she responded. "I'm sorry Cody, but you need help. You're doing this, now go."

I hung my head and dragged my feet into the room and sat down on the chair. I watched as the guy grabbed a clipboard and sat down across from me. "Okay Cody, my name is Mr. Kirla. So you've decided to seek out therapy."

"Let's get one thing straight here, okay? I don't want to be here, I was forced to come. So the sooner you get that through your head, the sooner you we can get over this."

"Well, after the experience you've had, I'm afraid we can't just get over this. So do you want to talk about what happened?"

"Nope," I said looking out the window.

"How about how you feel now? How do you feel at this moment?" he asked trying again to get me to talk.

"Nope," I repeated.

"Then what do you want to talk about?"

"Nothing."

"Cody, we're not going to accomplish much if you don't communicate with me."

"I don't want to communicate with you! One, I don't want to talk about how I feel. Two, even if I did, why would I talk about it with a stranger?"

"Well, most people find it easier to talk to people they don't know that well about things, than with close friends and family. Most people sometimes feel ashamed about what has happened or how they feel, so they talk to me."

"Well I'm not most people. So how long do I have to stay here?" I asked looking around the office.

"An hour, so there's nothing you would like to talk about?"

That's how the rest of the hour went. The physiatrist would ask me questions and I would say no or just wouldn't respond. As we were leaving I saw him look at Mom briefly shaking his head before walking back into his office.

As soon as we got back I went straight into the bedroom and closed the door. I saw Zack sitting on his bed reading a magazine. He looked up as I walked in. I grabbed the book with the blade in it and walked back out of the room and into the bathroom.


	15. Chapter 15

I locked the door and opened the book taking out the blade. As soon as I was about to make a cut I heard a knock on the door and then a voice. "Cody, let me in," Zack said.

I shoved the blade back into the book and closed it while setting it on the counter. I slowly walked over, unlocked the door and opened it. Zack pushed past me, dragging me in, then closed the door again, locking it.

"What were you doing in here?"

"Reading a book," I said looking away from him.

"In the bathroom?"

"It's the only quiet place with no one here."

"What book are you reading?" he asked. I knew right then that he was catching on to me. Zack never would ask me what book I was reading unless there was a reason.

I mumbled the title while looking down at the ground. I knew I should have picked a different book to put that blade in.

"You've read that book a million times. You could quote it by heart, Cody." He said as he walked over to the counter and picked up the book. He flipped through the book while facing it down at the ground. I heard the blade hit the title floor. Zack picked the blade up from the floor and twirled it in his hand while staring at it.

I bit my lip waiting for the lecture, for the yelling, but it never came. I watched shocked as I saw Zack slip to the floor sitting against the wall with tears streaming down his face. He was still twirling the blade until suddenly he stopped and stared at it for a few seconds before throwing it across the room. I watched stunned as he brought his knees up, resting his arms across them while buried his face into his arms.

I just kept looking at him. I had no clue what to do, say or anything for that matter. I was about to say something, anything, until he spoke first. "I'm sorry," he mumbled.

"What?" I asked confused. Why was he sorry? He didn't have anything to be sorry for, did he?

"I'm sorry for turning on you when you needed me. I'm sorry for not finding it out sooner, for not forcing you to talk about it. Cause maybe if I did, you wouldn't be doing this. But mostly I'm sorry for not helping you, for not being able to help you. I tried, I did, I promise. I tried my hardest to help you, but I guess it just wasn't enough, I guess I wasn't enough…"

"Stop," I said biting my lip hard, trying to keep the tears from falling, but it didn't help. I couldn't let him think that it was his fault that he couldn't help me. "It's not your fault." I said sitting down beside him.

He looked up at me questionably before I continued. "I know you were trying to help me. You were the one that was trying the hardest, but I still didn't let you. I mean you were staying up with me at night because of my nightmares. You even took care of those guys that did it to me, which by the way I want to know what you did to them. But I mean, you were trying your hardest to help me, but I just didn't appreciate it. And as for you turning on me, I'm surprised you didn't turn on me sooner with the way I was acting and treating everyone."

"Cody, I'm you brother! I'm not supposed to turn on you! I'm supposed to help you when you need it, especially when you needed it the most…" he said trailing off.

"Zack, I'm glad you turned on me. That was kind of what made me realize that I do need help, that and you breaking down in the bathroom," I said with a little laugh, "But seriously, I'm the one who needs to apologize. For the way I've been acting, and I am sorry for that."

"Why couldn't you let people help you? I mean you would let me, but then you wouldn't, just a huge big cycle of you only letting me help for a minute then when you would start to get a little better, you'd go back to where you started."

"I don't know, I just kept seeing what they did to me over and over again in my head nonstop and it would just get to me. I just kept thinking that no one understood what happened to me, therefore they couldn't help me. I guess I just need to hit rock bottom before I could get better. I mean I kept thinking that I couldn't get any lower, but then I would fall lower. When you turned on me though, I guess that pushed me to the lowest place I could get. I guess that's what really gave me that push…"

"Cody, just because we don't know what you went through, doesn't mean we can't help you."

"I know that now, I just…I don't know, it's just hard to explain. It was like I knew you could help me, but I didn't want you to. I felt like I didn't deserve help, that I was just low scum that didn't deserve to get better, to get this image to quit playing in my head all day long." I said as tears streamed down my face.

I felt Zack pull me into a hug while he whispered into my ear, "I'm going to help you though this, I promise. Even if you don't want it, I'm going to force you to take it. I can't stand to see you like this anymore. I thought I could wait for you to decide when you needed it, but I can't. You're going to get help whether you like it or not."

"I'll let you and Mom help, just please don't send me to that shrink anymore, please." I begged.

"We'll talk to Mom about it, okay? I actually don't like the thought of sending you to a stranger to help you, but I agreed with it because you wouldn't get help."

"Thank you Zack, for never giving up on me."

"You're welcome little brother."

**AN- i wrote more this time due to the fact i wont be able to update for about two weeks. this story is almost done. i will have at least one more chapter tho. thnx for reading. **


	16. Chapter 16

We sat in the bathroom talking more until we heard Mom call us for dinner. I looked at Zack quickly. "Don't worry, I'll tell her, but you know she's still going to question you," he said getting up from the floor.

"I know, that's what I'm trying to put off. I really don't like talking about it," I said as I stood up from the floor and we walked over to the door unlocking it.

"Well tell her that. She'll understand Codes, you know she will," he said opening the door.

I didn't respond, I just followed Zack out the door and to the table. We sat down as Mom put two plates of casserole in front of us as she grabbed her own and sat down. I looked down at my plate picking at it as I heard Zack start to speak.

"Mom, I don't think we need to send Cody to therapy anymore."

I peaked up from my plate to catch Mom's expression, but it was blank as she looked up at Zack and asked why. I brought my eyes back to my plate while Zack started talking again.

"Well, we talked and he agreed to let us help him. He just doesn't want to see that therapist anymore. I think he's serious about letting us help this time."

I looked back up as Zack quit talking again and saw Mom looking at me. Her face softened as she said "Cody, if your willing to let us help you then I'm willing to stop sending you there. But why don't you like going there to begin with?"

"Because why would I want to talk to a stranger about my problems? I can barley talk to you about it, much less a complete stranger I only see once a week,"

I looked back down at my plate. I hated talking about it or anything to do with what happened. It made me feel so ashamed. It made me feel weak, scared.

Sensing my discomfort with it, Mom just said, "Like I said Cody, if you're willing, then so am I. But Cody, letting us help does require talking about it."

"I know," I said looking back up at them, "I just don't like to talk about it, but I will, just not tonight. I'll talk about it tomorrow, okay?"

"Sure, Cody, that's fine."

----------------------------------------------

We finished dinner with just small talk and then Zack and I went into the room to go to bed. As we were getting ready I heard Zack speak up.

"Cody, I'm really glad that you decided to let us help. You know, you were really starting to scare me."

"I was?" I asked looking over at him.

"Yeah, I mean, you were just getting worse and worse and you wouldn't let anyone help you. You wouldn't talk about it, you weren't getting any sleep. You were basically destroying yourself from the inside out. You were really worrying everyone…" he said trailing off.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. I just didn't know how to deal with it. So I dealt with it the only way I knew how."

"Cody, pushing everyone away and bottling everything up isn't a way of dealing with it or anything for that matter."

"Yeah, I guess," I said climbing into bed as Zack turned off the light.

I watched him climb into bed to as he said, "Goodnight Codes."

"Yeah, goodnight Zack," I said as I turned on my side and closed my eyes hoping for once I wouldn't have a nightmare, but that hoping was for nothing.

_I was walking and I could hear footsteps getting closer behind me. I kept running faster, but the footsteps would just speed up right along with me. When I couldn't run anymore I stopped for a second. Right as I started to run again hands grabbed me and pulled me down._

_They started touching me everywhere while saying things to me. One of the guys got down close to my ear and started to whisper to me. "You'll never get help. They don't want to help you. Zack will never help you either. He just thinks you're a weak, worthless looser. Just like everyone else." _

I jerked up, breathing heavily. I looked around in the dark room until my eyes stopped on Zack and saw he was still sleeping. I wanted so much to wake him up, but after what happened in my dream I wasn't so sure.

I debated with waking him up or not for about five minutes before I actually got out of bed and crept over to his bed. "Zack," I whispered uneasily while lightly touching his shoulder.

I watched as he turned to face me, yawning. "Yeah, buddy?"

"I…I had another nightmare," I whispered looking down at my feet.

"Well, staring at you feet isn't going to solve anything, get in," he said as he scooted over pulling up the cover for me to get in.

As soon as I got in the bed Zack wrapped his arms around me and pulled me to him. "Do you want to talk about it?"

I buried my face into his shirt, clinging to him tighter. I stayed like that for ten minutes before I mumbled "They said you wouldn't help, in my nightmare. That you just thought I was a weak, worthless loser."

"I would never think that about you Codes! And I am helping you, what am I doing now? Don't listen to anyone when they say that, not even your own conscience. I'm always going to help you."

"Promise?" I asked into his shirt.

"I promise, buddy," he said pulling me tighter to him.

**AN: okay so i made this one longer too since i wasnt able to update for a while. so this is the last chapter athough i have another chapter i can add on to this if you would like me to write one last chapter for this story. so please tell me if you would like me to write one last chapter or not... thnx for reading.**


	17. Chapter 17

**AN: okay I am so sorry I haven't updated in forever. I never forgot about the story. I just got overwhelmed with school and the first anniversary of my Mom dying and everything happening. Anyways I'm sooo sorry. So here is the last and final chapter. I also have a new story I'm working on if you would like to check that out. Its called Hostage in the Tipton. Anyways I would like to thank ****ColeSprouseFan, Andrew321, h2poo, MusigXesXmiXboifriend, x- The Older Twin –x, xCole-and-Dylan-rockx, zackandcodyfan25, Equinox1772, ChainGang-Unit94, anonymous author x, SweetPinkDragon, labey, LaraxCroft, Buggzarlolo, Zack-Cody-Dylan-Cole, Elizabeth Ashley, nothingtolose18, Androclez, The Awais and Hasees Group, The Silent Rumble, ravenclawing, mysticpearl84, and all of the anonymous reviews for reviewing my story. Thnx so much. and for everyone else who read it. hope you enjoyed it!**

I woke up to Mom calling us for breakfast. So we got up and got dressed before going out into the kitchen area.

As we sat down and started eating I couldn't help but notice that Zack and Mom kept sneaking glances at me the entire time. I knew they were waiting for me to start to say something. I knew they were waiting for me to start talking about what happened like I said I would do last night. Only I was dreading it.

Finally after five minutes of them doing it I let my fork clatter to my plate making them both look up at me. "Alright, let's get this over with," I said with a sigh as I got up and went over to the couch and sat down.

"Cody, you can't dread talking about it. Then it won't help you at all," Mom said as they both got up and sat down on either side of me.

"Well, I'm sure not excited to talk about what happened to me that day!" I yelled letting my temper get the best of me, but then I saw their faces and continued, "But I want to get better, so I'm going to force myself to talk about it. Just…just don't rush me, okay? I asked looking up at them.

"We wouldn't dream of it, Cody." Mom said draping an arm around my shoulders pulling me to her side.

"Alright, the day it happened, I was walking home from school. Zack had already left because I had to stay behind and work on a project. There's this alleyway that I know that has a quicker way back to the hotel. I take it occasionally when I'm alone." I stopped there for a few minutes before I continued. I felt Zack squeeze my shoulder lightly just before I started to talk again.

"Well, I started to walk down it; I wasn't really paying attention to my surroundings. And before I knew it a guy grabbed me by my arms and held me while another came out of the shadows. Both of them were wearing ski masks. They started talking to me, telling me all these things. I just tried blocking them out, but before I knew it they had me pinned to the ground. They pulled off my clothes and slung them to the side. Then…one of them, he got down on…..on top of me. They had my cheek mashed down into the cement. The guy whispered into my ear. I remember every single thing he said and how he said it. He…he said 'you're gonna like this kid.' That's when he did it. He…he raped me."

I had tears steaming down my face before I was even halfway through telling the story. I had never told anyone what had happened, what _**all**_ had happened, I mean. It had taken me almost an hour to tell the whole thing because I kept stopping. But I finally got it out. I actually felt a little better too after telling them what happened. I felt like a huge weight had just been lifted off my shoulders.

I had no clue what they were thinking or anything, though. I hadn't looked up at them the entire time I was talking. I had kept my gaze to the carpeted floor.

I finally got the courage to look up at them and was shocked to see tears streaming down their faces too. I looked into Zack's eyes trying to read what he was thinking. I saw determination in his eyes. I knew he was determined to help me. to help me get better. I smiled at the thought of getting better as I felt Zack pull me into a hug.

Right then was when I realized that I was going to get better. I knew I was going to get help this time for real.

---------------------------------------

It has been about six months since that day. I'm getting better with every passing day. I still have a nightmare about it every once in a while, but not every nigh like I use to.

Some times I still do cry about what happened to me, but I know I'll always have my brother and my Mother there to help me through it.

I look down at my arm and I can still see the faint scars from where I cut. Every time I look at those scars it makes me regret ever making them. It is true what they say, cutting is very addictive. I still have an urge to do it every once in a while then I push it away. I don't every want to get addicted to cutting every again. I also hope no one else does either.

I pull my sleeve back down and turn out my lamp before laying down into my bed. I lay there for a few seconds staring at the ceiling thinking over everything that has happened.

I'm kind of glad that it happened to me. It has made me stronger in a way. I also know that I can get through anything now. As long as I'm surrounded by my family I can get through anything. It's like the saying goes, 'What doesn't kill us, only makes us stronger.'


End file.
